bingobango

my parents went away this weekend to coventry so i had a free gaff.
had a gathering at mine on friday which went alright. dug out my old oxide and neutrino albums which was a laugh. for some reason the tv in my living room only shows black and white pictures... i've tried everything to make it work! i don't know how i'm going to explain that one.
then last night i went to eddie's which was nice. he tried teaching me how to play chess but it was not working at all haha
it was a nice evening but i got hardly any sleep, always happens in his room even when he shut the window.
i've decided that i'm gonna leave things on my terms with him, like it was my initiation last night so it's as if it was my choice and therefore play it cool from now on.
just debating whether to go to noel's house for his birthday party. i had a power nap earlier but still pretty tired. i probably won't stay long if i go.
man, gots ta clean up teh house tmrw before my folks get back.
bizzzles

life is a flower

holllaa.
i've just read back over my past posts and they are pretty lame to say the least.
i haven't written for so long too.
lots of things have happened.
i went to japan for my summer holidays which was pretty good when i look back on it, although my sister was being a bit of a prick at the time.
i went to leeds festival which was a buzzfords.
now i'm starting my third year of college.
there's a couple of people from my year still there which is alright and there's a few people doing art foundation but to be honest i really hate college. the new lowers and the old lowers really annoy me. when i go for a cig in the quad there's just this overly loud, noisy, fuzz milling about. i just wanna have a fag in peace man!
i hope this will make me study hard so that i can actually get out of that place for good.
it will happen.
some people have moved away to uni and it is well gutting.
i really miss chris nieri. he's got himself a girlfriend bless him. he's well such a good person and although he's all the way darn sarf he's been making me feel better about things.
i can't afford to go and see him though : (
kay's gone too, to liverpool, although she seems to be back in manchester at the weekends.
i well miss her too! haha
i guess it's hard when you see them about and then not having that chance anymore.
i've booked a holiday with my friends to go to lanzerote in 8 weeks for christmas! i was thinking oh dear... lanzerote... but it's right coz it'll be warm and i'll be with my friends.
currently partnerless but it's alright. i don't feel the need to go out and pull all the time to have a good night.
i saw ste the other night while i was out. in fact, he came up to me but what a loser. i don't know why i wrote so much about him haha.
another ex to be forgotten about i recks.
i thought i found a good apple, eddie, but i'm doubtful. fit as fuck but one of those who you have to be at the same level of fitness for a chance at a relationship i reckon. that really annoys me. but ah well. we decided to be friends but i don't know if that's gonna happen to be honest especially when we're both drunk. i don't know what to do. i'm probably gonna get hurt.
safe well anyway, i've got fag rolling to do and bastard essays to write.
peaces.

ace of base are cool.

Good God.

Why do I do things to myself!
Worst day ever at work, long-arsed shift
Then I decided I would go to a guy from work's housewarming party with a drunk Leoni who had been getting pissed all day at a beer festival in Chorlton. Fair enough right? I got a bit drunk, started my many ramblings, couple of arguments with gays from Warrington and overly friendly guys. Not much of a party particularly because the noise level was low, no or little music because they are new neighbours.
We went to Cliff and Damien's house which was a bit down the road in Burnage. I needed a wee and Cliff kept pressing my belly which I did not find helpful.
Anyhoo, basically, Ady or as I called him for the majority of the night - Aiden, gave me a pill and I was fucked. Not literally.
Leoni fell asleep on the sofa and I just breathed utter tripe out of my mouth.
I was on a right para and thought this guy only gave me the pill to shut up.
But I don't get it because, why would you do that? I offended him because he started playing his guitar and to sing and I told him to shut up and no one wanted to know. It didn't mean to come out as harsh by the way. And I apologised immensly. If that was annoying, why would you give me a pill to shut me up? Made me worse mate.
I had a big chat with Charlotte and Damien who butted in.
Leoni was right pissed off when I told Damien to wake her up. She said he was creepy - lol
Anyway, it was about 5:30 and I needed to go home, however I was up and away and couldn't sleep and eventually had about an hours sleep.
I text Charlotte about two times.
I hope no one slags me off.
I told my mum about how I thought/knew I'd made a tit of myself and she said not to care.
Well done mum, trying.
Anyway, feel a bit sparky and fuzzy now.
Wondering whether to quit big ol' P-Hut.

Monday 10th July

I spent about 6 hours yesterday producing transcripts for my English Language coursework. I have an hour of speech to write and it takes me ages to do just a small bit. It is so tedious.

As I hadn't finished it I decided to skip going to my English class this morning and had a lie in.

My dad's going into hospital tomorrow. I don't know what to think about it. I was getting some breakfast and he came into the kitchen and told me that if something bad happened [being sod's law - he's always making jokes about stuff] then he wants me to get on with my life and be happy. I wasn't even prepared for what he said, I wasn't expecting it.

What the fuck am I supposed to say to that. I just cried and told him I didn't want to think about it.
What the fuck will I do without him?
Even if tomorrow goes okay, something's gonna happen sooner rather than later anyway, there's more of a chance for it to happen.

It's fuckin' devistating.

i turned on the tv this morning just as i woke up an started watching one of those channel 4 documentaries thta are shown in the morning. Anyway, it was about Ellen Noone. I knew she had cancer because I'd heard about it from other people. I got my phone out and rang Rachael to tell her to watch the tv but she'd already tried to ring me for the same reason. It was so sad. Just remembering how we were friends, used to go swimming and play & how she made me laugh. And now, she has hardly any hair because of the chemo and that she's about 20 and is going to die. The worst thing is is that we don't know her anymore, we don't know where she lives so even if we would like to make contact with her it would be awkward.
I think this has really hit home about things, how you can't really waste your life.
It's like, when Deborah had a go at me for messing things up in my first year just after Helen Garrod had died. Which reminds me how awful it was at the leavers' ball when Sally Pham drunkly came up to me and said that I reminded her of Helen.
I know I'm trying to not piss about these days but y'know, it's hard work.
I cut down drinking when I went out; in fact at David Seed's I had no alcoholic drink and it was quite good. My levels of subtlety were quite high, which is good. But then last night there was a Topshop party in Hardrock Café avec free bar... and I got drunk :(
but, i felt like an idiot because most people were in fancy dress and i looked like a fat goose, who blatantly didn't work in Topshop. And I guess it was good because I had the confidence to talk to people, one of whome I got a job recruitment number which is ace.
Bah. But that leaves me with the whole queries about drinking, because it's stupid to drink just to have some false confidence and I always over drink and make a tit of myself.
I think last night should be a one off because it was free drinks...
I also tried to give up smoking and went through a shift at work without going for a cig break but then i was desperate for one after, and gave in and bought some fags. i reckon i need to ween myself off those.
Why do I want to, willingly, increase the chance of cancer when people get it without having done anything. How is that fair? Why should that happen.

i miss the days

i miss those days when i was about 15 or 16
when all i really had to worry about was getting through my GCSEs, but barely doing any work and still doing fine.
i miss that it was actually ok not to give a shit.
i had few responsibilities.
i miss the star and garter and retro bar days
getting stupidly drunk
but being able to down vodka, straight
i miss the strictness of school
i miss the begginings and firsts of things
i miss feeling excited about getting into rockworld & later rock kitchen
people thinking i was much older than i actually was
i miss that it was just us girls, no one really to fuck us up
i was proper into placebo and jimmy eat world
my sister was at uni, but after was at home
i knew 'everyone', 'everyone' knew me.
now, everyone's moving on, growing up. half of me is still left behind, not growing up through memories i can't leave and staying in college.

bingo/house/line

i went to bingo tonight with my sister and two people from work
it was my sad attempt at becoming friendlier with people from work, however, only two others came.
i didn't win anything, however, my sister won £30. unforunatly. and is not going to share it with me.
what a gay.
candice was saying that dave was moving throuhg the Hut girls which is really gay.
i think he's a bit sleazy anyhow.
today i thought about ste a little bit. mostly because i miss him, and thinking of our past times. but then thought of the really shit stuff too which made me realise why what's happened has happened.
i sold rachael and leoni out from swimming to go to bingo
i really wanted to aswell :(
i need to go to sleep now, so i can get up tomorrow morning.
i really wish ste would make contact with me. just so i can get the one up?
i like getting the one up over people.
like, how i used to like this guy for years and he was an actual dickhead, and then the other week, i pulled him... not because he was fit or nice anymore but because i could and it felt nice to get my own back.
lol.
but still.
i don't see why we can't ever talk
for some reason i'm going past his friends' house and where he skates a lot and it does my head in.
or really, i should just leave this...
thafe gee.